50 Reasons Not to Watch "50 Shades of Grey"

It seems like 50 Shades of Grey has gotten a lot of attention—both positive and negative—lately. I haven't seen it and don't intend to, but for some reason I felt compelled to write this post. Here are 50 reasons, in no particular order, why you should NOT see the movie (or read the book, for that matter)—though not all will apply to everyone:

1. You value beauty.
2. You are married, and you value that marriage enough to protect it.
3. You are single, and you value your sexuality enough to protect it.
4. You appreciate good literature. These are real lines from the novel: “Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, I breathe.” and “My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot.” Really? Need I go on? Could we be more ridiculous?
5. It's pornographic. Don't think so? Here's a definition of pornography from Merriam-Webster: "movies, pictures, magazines, etc., that show or describe naked people or sex in a very open
   and direct way in order to cause sexual excitement"
6. You are a Christian.
7. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil 4:8
8. You believe our culture needs more good men—not fewer of them.
9. "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28
10. Because there are better ways to spend that movie ticket money—like donating the money to a shelter for real-life abused women.
11. You could spend those two hours experiencing real, life-giving intimacy with your real, flesh-and-blood spouse.
12. You believe our culture needs more good women—not fewer of them.
13. You love your children and you want to set a good example for them.
14. You know you can't "un-see" things you've seen.
15. It blurs the lines about what real love is.
16. It blurs the lines on whether it's ok to have a "sex-without-love" mentality.
17. It glorifies and trivializes domestic abuse.
18. You are a feminist. Last time I checked, there's nothing empowering about a woman being abused.
19. Just because the story has been used for some good, this does not mean we should in any way endorse it. Just because God can take the broken (e.g. losing a home to a fire or a losing a loved one) and use it for good, doesn't mean we should try to make these things happen (e.g. arson or murder).
20. You are sexually hungry. Why try to satiate that desire with this disgusting film?
21. You are sexually satisfied. Why ruin that by watching this film?
22. You liked the Dove Men+Care Super Bowl commercial so much because you believe that what makes men, men: loving others, not abusing them.
23. "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." 1 Cor. 7:4
24. Because you are a woman and can't endorse something that glorifies a woman being treated in such a way.
25. Because you are a man and you can't stand men being portrayed so poorly.
26. Because you are a woman who is sometimes tempted to find a man who is broken and needs to be "fixed."
27. Because you are a man who is tempted to be domineering or violent.
28. Because you could spend that money to watch a movie, such as Fireproof, that portrays real love and grace and victory over sexual sin, instead.
29. Because, since when did it become ok to watch people having sex on a movie screen? Is that something we would ever watch in real life?
30. "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love." Proverbs 5:15-19
31. Because marriage is hard enough without confusing ourselves about what real love is.
32. You don't want to confuse yourself about what real, God-endorsed sex should be like.
33. You could spend those two hours on a night out with friends.
34. Single? You could spend those two hours filling out an eHarmony profile and find a real single man out there who is not a tyrant. (Not trying to sound flippant here. I know it's much easier said than done!)
35. Because you want to follow Jesus.
36. "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." 1 Cor. 6:18
37. You could spend those two hours and that money on a dinner date with your spouse/significant other, where you can get to know each other's heart & soul better with these 50 date night questions.
38. You believe that we need to be reminded what real love is.
39. "By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers." 1 John 3:16
40. Because you are lonely. Don't fill that hole here.
41. Because you wouldn't know what to tell your child when they ask what the movie was about that you went to go see.
42. Because you could go out dancing with your spouse instead.
43. Because you fear God and you believe He is in authority.
44. Because you could take that time to befriend and counsel a real-life abused woman by volunteering at a women's shelter.
45. "Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray." Proverbs 5:20-23
46. Because you are young and impressionable.
47. Because you are old and don't think you're impressionable.
48. Because you care about yourself and want to protect yourself.
49. You could spend those two hours doing pretty much anything more useful. Here are some ideas: organize your basement, catch up on sleep, call an old friend, write a snail mail letter, write a list for your spouse of 50 reasons why you love them.
50. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Cor. 13:4-8

There you go. 50 reasons not to watch "50 Shades." I thought it would be hard to make a list that long. It wasn't. What is your reason for not watching?