My Birth Testimony: A TOLAC Success Story - Part 3

The Learning Points

(Before reading, you may want to check out Part 1 and Part 2)

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So, as I mentioned, it was clear that God was protecting baby #2 and me in our crazy labor and delivery!

There are many things I've been learning as a result.

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I am still sad my deliveries had to happen this way.

My doula told me about a website called Surrender Birth, where people share their birth testimonies. She encouraged me to write my own (hence these posts).

Anyway, as I read these testimonies, I sensed some bitterness when I read the stories that were along these lines: "I've never felt as close to God as I was during my delivery! It was magical and went exactly the way I wanted—home birth in the birth pool and everything! What an answer to my fervent prayers!"

Or this mom who accidentally had a natural birth. (How is THAT fair?!)

I've spent a bit of time fighting that bitterness and the "why couldn't I just be one of those women who can birth naturally?" question. I've visited Scriptures that remind me who I am and who God is... like the end of Job. He gives and takes away. 

Why does God say "no" to anyone about anything? 

Why are there some who can't have kids at all? 

Why are there some whose loved ones die too young? 

I get that, in the grand scheme, my problem is small compared to some others. But that doesn't mean I don't still have to process through the Big Question: Why pain? 

I've spent some time reading The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis to grapple with this question more. This Big Question is something I've been wrestling with for the past few years, as many friends and family have passed away in the past few years as well.

I still don't have all the answers. But God's been humbling my heart to come under His sovereign authority over all things—life, death, and birth stories.

Job 42:1-3 - 
Then Job answered the Lord and said: “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

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For a while at first I felt embarrassed that this VBAC I talked about wanting so badly was not something I ended up accomplishing. People kept asking about it, and I sometimes I felt a little silly having to tell everyone it didn't work out how I'd hoped.

I've had to wrestle with that a bit, too. There's simply nothing to be embarrassed about. 

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As I mentioned in Part 2, they (not just the OB's, but the midwives, too) told me no more VBAC attempts—only c-sections from now on. That was sad news to hear.

But it also helped to provide closure for me. No more wondering or open-endedness. Just a closed door that I can fully grieve now, which is a blessing in a sense.

And the planner in me intends to fully enjoy the benefits of a scheduled cesarean next time, like lining up all my babysitters and getting a good night's sleep beforehand!

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There are so many Small Kindnesses from God that I'm thankful for and don't want to overlook. Some of the many (besides the main one—that God obviously protected our lives—and my ability to continue having more children) include:

• The entire staff at Mt. Sinai (besides the OB's I had to deal with afterward for an infected incision) was AMAZING. The whole time during labor and delivery I felt heard and respected. With each step the midwives took they explained my options and allowed me to make the decision that I wanted. They were not in a hurry to get the baby out. I knew I could trust them completely. Even the anesthesiologist was wonderful. And every nurse. They just have amazing staff there.
• They gave me time to process and grieve even during the labor, when things didn't go how I wanted. When we decided to have the c-section, I knew better this time. I knew I needed to process. Last time I was whisked away too quickly (and for no good reason, since it was not an emergency) and sobbed the whole way to the OR. This time, I asked to be left alone with Eric and Amanda for a while. I had Eric come sit on the bed and hold me and tell me true things while I cried and let out all the things I was feeling. It was SO GOOD to have that time beforehand to process the surgery before it happened. 
• That awesome epidural that allowed me to still move around easily.
• I had the opportunity to TRY. I know I did everything within my power to make a VBAC happen. The only "what-if" I'm left with is "what if there was no knot in his cord?" There are no other questions like the many I had last time (such as "What if I'd known to choose a different provider or tell this one no?"). I have no regrets and wouldn't do much differently if I could.
• I didn't feel laughed at. I didn't feel like they thought I was silly for trying, or like they were looking down on me or questioning my decisions.
• I got to labor outside in the sunshine on a perfectly beautiful day (something I didn't even know I wanted till it was happening).
• Despite the One Big Request being answered with a "no," there are many specific prayers that God graciously answered with a "yes," just to remind me that He hears me. These "yes" requests—these Small Kindnesses—included: 
• being able to labor in the whirlpool 
• making it past 7cm (where things stopped the last time) 
• being able to experience natural/non-induced contractions
• not having my water break before contractions began
• having Eric with me the whole time
• having Amanda AND Eric in the OR (not typical)
• having Eric present for everything they did to the baby
• Recovery has been a thousand times better this time—even with the infected incision and much resulting antibiotic ridiculousness. I'm much more able to do things and feel already at three months the way I felt at a year or more after my oldest was born. I think this is because I'm pretty sure I had mild PPD (postpartum depression) after my first delivery, which is not the case this time. Now, I'm like "What?! You mean I can feel mostly like my normal self and not living in a dark cloud after having a baby?! I had NO IDEA!"
• Amanda (my doula) was able to be present for the actual birth. This was a concern because she had to leave a few times since my labor was so long. But when the actual birth happened, she was there for it.
• My little guy has been a super nurser! He had latching figured out from the very beginning and is efficient, too. He's also been a good sleeper overall (despite his recent sleep regression). He's such a happy, low-key, straightforward kid.

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One thing that's been hard/fun/interesting/sad/happy has been the switch to a family of four. Big sister loves him but is also having a rough adjustment period. It's hard to watch her experience grief. It's hard not to give her the time I'd like. But it's fun to see her bond with Daddy in a new way, and to see her love on her brother and learn about babies and how they grow, etc.

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One other thing I've thought about is the fact that, at its root (though perhaps I held it too highly as an idol), the desire for a natural birth is a good thing! After all, vaginal delivery is God's good design and the healthiest route if possible. And the fact that I'm disappointed it didn't happen makes a lot of sense.

We were created for heaven, so life under the sun is bound to be less than what our hearts long for (recent Ecclesiastes sermon series influence there).

When God cursed Eve after the Fall, He said she would bear children in pain. It never says that pain is limited only to the pain of contractions and pushing. It very well can be the pain of births not going as planned, of surgery and resulting complications, etc. it also never says anything about my being exempt from the effects of the Fall.

It is my hope that, as I process through these ideas, my "mad at God" attitude will continue to dissipate and become instead humility and a longing for That Day.

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Well, there it is, guys. My whole birth testimony. I hope you can see how I can call it a TOLAC Success Story despite a repeat cesarean, and I hope you enjoyed reading these posts! It helped me so much to write them.

If you had a disappointing delivery or a difficult recovery, can I encourage you to write out your story? Grab a journal or a computer... and just write away. It can be so therapeutic. I'd be happy to read it if you want to share ♥

My Birth Testimony: A TOLAC Success Story - Part 2

Birth #2: A Second Chance. And a Chance to Trust Him.

Before reading, check out Part 1 here.

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In August 2015, we found out we were pregnant again!

I'd known since the day I had my daughter that I'd want to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I also knew I would need to go with a different provider if that endeavor were to have any chance at success. 

So I opted for a group of midwives in Milwaukee (45 minutes away). They came highly recommended by the doulas in my ICAN group.

I could tell at my prenatal appointments that this experience would be totally different. They had a very mom-centered approach to childbirth.

I hired an amazing doula (Amanda).

I did everything a woman should do if she is trying for a VBAC.

And then the day arrived!

Here's how it all went down. It's a long story, because it was a long labor.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

6:00 pm (hour 0)
Contractions became regular and increasingly stronger while we celebrated an early Mother's Day with Eric's parents.

9:00 pm (hour 3)
JM was in bed for the night after I dawdled putting her to bed because I knew this was the last time I would with her being my only baby. I tried to sleep as best I could despite increasing contractions.

Sunday, May 8, 2016 (Mother's Day)

4:00am (hour 10)
I could no longer sleep through contractions. They were 4 minutes apart and a minute long, which is typically indicative of active labor. So we called my in-laws and our doula and headed to the hospital (a 45-min drive). Amanda met us there.

6:30am (hour 12.5)
It was determined that, though completely effaced, I was only 1/2 cm dilated. How discouraging! But, I was trusting God—and my providers—to help me persevere. We walked around the hospital for a bit to try and move things along. We also grabbed some breakfast.

8:00am (hour 14)
I was still only 1 cm, so we went ahead with a membrane sweep, and they told me to leave the hospital until things progressed further (How will I know if things have progressed further if I'm already having contractions 4 minutes apart?!?!). Amanda went home to rest up for when we needed her most.

9:30am-2:00pm (hours 15.5-20)
Eric and I took a nap in the car, then walked around Milwaukee for a while (didn't want to drive all the way home just to have to drive all the way back). We walked around the Marquette campus (Eric gave me a tour of his alma mater), while I did some exercises that my doula sent me.

It was a beautiful day and laboring in the sunshine on that beautiful campus was therapeutic for me. The tulips were in full bloom, and the way the sun hit them had them shining golden, violet, and red like jewels.

I would close my eyes and lift my face to the sun during contractions, and I could feel God's tender care for me through the warmth and light. These moments were glimpses of the "ideal birth" I'd always pictured: intensely painful, to the point that it brought me into some other realm of being where I could commune with God and fall completely dependent into His arms.

Eric and I held hands and talked about anything and everything. It was like your typical perfect date... um, except for the being in labor part. That part was not typical date material.

By the time we finished our sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub from Subway, my head was swirling with the pain, contractions were closer, and it all felt unbearable.

2:30pm (hour 20.5)
We went back to the hospital, where they found I was at 1.5 cm (womp womp). They brought me to a labor and delivery room (even though I was still technically not admitted) because triage was full. They wondered if baby was nudged in wrong, hindering dilation—possibly posterior. So I labored on a birthing ball, continued doing the Miles circuit as best I could, and also tried to get some rest.

6:30pm (hour 24.5)
I was sent home for the night. Things were simply not progressing very quickly. Despite it feeling otherwise, I was still in early labor. But going home only produced a ton of anxiety for me. I felt like I was going backwards.

7:30pm (hour 25.5)
When we got home, the neighbors were having a huge, loud party (seriously—there was even a bouncy house). Some kids were coming into our yard, and I yelled at them as if I was a grumpy old man. Our landlord (who lives upstairs) saw us arrive and was concerned there was no baby yet. All of our parents were there because they were switching who was watching our daughter. It was good to see them and to see my little lady, but the commotion was more than I could handle being in labor. Soon enough everyone left and the party next-door died down. I ate some lasagna from the freezer.

9:00pm (hour 27)
I called my angel chiropractor and met her at her office way after hours for a middle-of-labor adjustment to try and get my little guy in the right position to descend. I then tried to get some sleep—and failed miserably.

11:00pm (hour 29)
Around midnight things got super-intense. I couldn't handle the contractions. They were super-long, and I wasn't getting any breaks in between them. I could no longer breathe through them well on my own. Life was basically one big contraction at this point. So we went back to the hospital. I called my doula, who joined us there—again.

Monday, May 9, 2016

12:00am-3:00am (hour 30-33)
I was 1.5 cm and stayed in triage for a while with Nancy, the midwife who was on shift at that point.

4:00am (hour 34)
I was finally admitted to the hospital at 2 cm after baby descended a bit more.

5:00-6:30am (hours 35-36.5)
I got to labor in the whirlpool. I finally got to relax for a while. It was so desperately needed. I'm so grateful I had an opportunity to labor there. My exhausted mind melted into the twinkle lights on the ceiling. I think I may have even gotten some sleep.

6:30-8:30am (hours 36.5-38.5)
I rested in bed, as my contractions had become much more spaced out after the whirlpool (good for resting, bad for progressing). Nicole (one of the midwives I hadn't met and hands-down the best midwife I had the whole time, which is saying a lot because they were all great) came on shift. God was gracious to place her there for this part of my labor. She was amazing. She even let me order oatmeal (which was a big accomplishment, believe me)!

9:30am (hour 39.5)
Nicole took about an hour to thoroughly discuss with me my options for either getting some more rest or speeding things along. I could do some walking (which hadn't accomplished much of anything up to this point), go home (we all saw how poorly that went last time), do therapeutic rest (morphine so you can sleep, essentially), or induce with Pitocin. I opted for induction, as I have had adverse reactions to narcotics in the past and had a relatively high Bishop score that indicated conditions for induction were favorable (basically every factor was cooperating except dilation, which was still only at 4 cm).

11:00am-9:00pm (hour 41-51)
I labored this way all day, for about 10 hours. I spent some time in the shower, and tried many positions in the bed. Labor definitely intensified during this time since they were now Pitocin contractions. I had a lot of back labor, and during every contraction Nicole, Eric, or Amanda would push on my back for counterpressure, which felt so good (relatively speaking, anyway). I could hardly bear contractions without that each time. I really, really wanted to have my Bible verses for labor read to me during this time, but we couldn't find them in our bag. I was disheartened and frustrated about it, but didn't have the wherewithal to communicate how much I needed them. By 8:00pm I was at 4 cm, fully effaced, and at -1 station.

9:00pm (hour 51)
At this point I opted for an epidural. Fatigue was a bigger enemy than any potential results of an epidural. I had the best epidural EVER. The doctor who did my epidural was a total sweetheart—complete night and day from the snarky anesthesiologist who had done the epidural for my first birth. I could barely feel the contractions but was still able to use my legs well enough to change positions pretty easily on my own! I slept well that night, and woke every hour or two to switch sides since gravity was causing the epi to lose effectiveness on either side after a while.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

2:30am (hour 56.5)
We decided to have them break my water and put in an internal monitor to better regulate the Pitocin.

5:30am (hour 59.5)
My IV came out so they put in a new one. They also topped off my epidural since I started to feel too much. Rockstar Amanda went home for a while to care for her kids and get some rest. My backup doula, Eleanor, arrived (she has a British accent, which is essentially always a calming thing).

7:00am (hour 61)
I measured 6 cm. Baby was at -1 station and had some caput (scalp) swelling. Midwife Paul came on shift. I continued to labor in various positions. There were a couple times that baby's heart rate decelerated, which brought in crews of OBs and nurses to help me change position and monitor him until things improved. Those moments were a little scary. We started to wonder what might be causing that and trying different positions to get him off his cord.

8:00am (hour 62)
I reached 7 cm—the point at which labor had stalled with my first labor.

12:00pm (hour 66)
I was 9.5cm and 100% effaced! It seemed like it'd be happening soon! Things were getting so close. Eleanor left and Amanda returned.

1:30pm (hour 67.5)
Things were not looking good. Baby had more swelling on his head, and things had regressed to 9cm and 70%. Something was causing the little guy to move back up instead of descending properly. Paul recommended a c-section. We agreed and opted for the cesarean. We knew something wasn't going right for our baby and just knew it was the right decision. I asked for some time alone with Eric and Amanda.

When all staff had gone, Eric came over and held me in his arms. I cried and cried and cried. I had peace about the decision, but was still grieving the loss of the VBAC I'd wanted. I asked Eric to tell me true things, and he preached the Gospel to me, reminding me who (and Whose) I am. The OB stopped in, asking if I was ready, and I said that I needed a little more time. It was so very good to have the time I needed to cry and grieve in the moment. I'm grateful to have had the realization to know I needed it, and the strength—even after 68 hours of labor—to ask for it. Besides that little "intrusion" from the OB, I did not feel rushed to finish the grieving I needed to do.

3:00pm (hour 69)
They prepped me for the cesarean. I was able to feel too much when they tested the epidural strength so I had to be too drugged to remember the actual operation.

3:53pm (hour 70)
Little Man was born at 3:53pm!

I'd hoped for a family-centered c-section where I'd be awake, have immediate skin-to-skin, etc. That didn't happen because I was essentially on another planet during the surgery. But the first thing I remember upon "coming to" was having my baby placed on my chest to nurse—a welcome change from last time.

While doing the surgery, they found two things that could have been catastrophic had we continued to labor much longer: Baby's cord had a knot in it. (He was a little blue, needed oxygen, and his 1-minute APGAR was only 5.)

AND, my uterine scar had a 7cm window in it that could have become a rupture! So, all in all, it's obvious that God was protecting us, and I'm thankful that He very clearly showed us WHY, which He didn't have to do.

Yes, it was still really disappointing to have another cesarean. And, given the circumstances, all my providers agreed that in the future I should only have cesarean birth(s), which was also disappointing news, as I know that only increases potential risks and complications... and major surgery is no walk in the park.

But, I'm grateful for God's protection and His clarity in showing me the "why" and in clearly closing that door. In some ways, it'a a relief to at least know the door is closed, so I can fully grieve and move on. I will always wonder what would have happened had I had a different experience with birth #1 (what if I'd been able to wait for labor to begin naturally, what if I'd waited to agree to the c-section to see if things progressed more, etc.), but I simply must take this as an opportunity to trust that God knows what he's doing and allowed all of it to happen that way for a reason. He could have given me more knowledge about my options back then, but He didn't for a reason. And I know my God, and I know He's trustworthy and perfect. I know He's faithful. So, despite the questions, in the end, that's all I need to know.

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read part 3 here....

My Birth Testimony: A TOLAC Success Story - Part 1

NOTE: If you are currently expecting your first baby, you may want to use caution in proceeding with reading this. Just because I had a traumatic experience with my first birth does not mean you want to hear about it in this season of your life!

Did I have a second c-section? 

Yes. 

Was my TOLAC (Trial of Labor After Cesarean) successful? 

Yes. 

The two are not mutually exclusive. 

After my second birth, my doula pointed me to the Surrender Birth website. She encouraged me to write a birth testimony. 

Thing is, my birth testimony starts about three years ago, when we were newly pregnant with #1...

Birth #1 and My Heart

We found out we were pregnant with our little Poppyseed in May 2013. Hooray! 

Like many women, I started excitedly making plans. I figured I should probably get in to see a doctor soon, so I asked a few friends for recommendations and picked an OB who seemed good and was in my network. 

In retrospect, I wish I'd taken a lot more time to choose the right provider for me and my birth. Many OB's in the United States today are simply do not have the same birth philosophy I do. Or, perhaps a better way to say it is that most are in a different place on the natural birth/medical intervention spectrum than where I'm at on the spectrum. 

But I didn't know. I didn't know that provider and place make a HUGE difference in your birth experience.

Or I underestimated how important it would be to me to have a positive birth experience.

Or perhaps it was simply that I wasn't used to how very medical everything is when you are at the hospital... I just wasn't prepared for IV's, BP cuffs going every 15 minutes, nurses coming an and out every time I closed my eyes to rest...

There's so much more I could say than the following, but the story of birth #1 is as follows:

I had a very traumatic birth experience. I had wanted a completely natural, unmedicated, vaginal birth. Unfortunately, this dream of a natural birth was shattered. 

Worse, I did not often feel respected, valued, or genuinely cared for as a patient during my six days at the hospital. I truly believe that no one person, but rather the system in place, is at fault for this outcome.

After my water broke on January 27, 2014, we headed straight to the hospital to be induced (as instructed). After about 9-10 hours of laboring this way (which included sweet moments of God bringing Scripture to mind as I labored), I opted for an epidural (those nasty Pitocin contractions!). Around 36 hours after my water had broken, they told me I had been at 7cm for several hours. They thought I should have a c-section because "things weren't progressing." 

So I did what they said. Because I figured it's probably best to listen to the doctor. I didn't know there were other equally safe options. 

I hadn't written an "in case of c-section" birth plan. Because I didn't know there are different ways to do c-sections. They didn't cover that in the hospital birth class.

And I sobbed the whole way to the operating room.

Laying, cold, on a hard operating table.

In a fog, spiraling amidst bustling.

Then, baby cries!

No one said "It's a girl!" I had to ask. And ask. And ask. Repeatedly.

No snuggles.

No celebrating.

Just a brief glance.

And then whisking my baby away.

Then waiting over an hour before I got to see my husband or by baby.

In the following days...

Nurses waltzing into the bathroom talking on the phone while I'm peeing and would like privacy.

People making me look at paperwork while I'm attempting to nurse and bond with my new daughter.

Nurses asking me, without explanation to breathe into an incentive spirometer while I'm trying to talk with my doctor.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime event I'll remember all my life. 

And for them, it seems just another day in the grind. 

And I sobbed a lot for a long time afterward.

That week in the hospital was the most traumatic experience of my life. I wrote this to a friend about a month later. It gives a pretty accurate picture of how things were for me in the early days after that experience:

It's been a lot to process, because labor and delivery did not go at all how I wanted. I was writing in my journal the other day everything I could remember from my time there, and I realized that I'm angry, because I hardly remember what it was like to hold and feed my baby for the first time. And just the way things are run at hospitals, I felt like I couldn't just be together with my family and enjoy bonding with our new baby.

She really felt like a stranger at first. Our second night at home, I remember sitting on my husband's lap and just sobbing that I just wanted her to go away because she was an intruder and I just wanted to watch a movie with my husband and then go to bed and sleep all night like we'd always done. And then I felt like a terrible mother for thinking such terrible things about my baby.

But things have gotten better now. There was one day that I realized that, since I'm not just doing motherhood for my husband or for my daughter or for myself, but because it is what God has called me to do... that made it easier to do. I don't know if I could have the strength for it otherwise.

It's still hard sometimes. I'm actually sick with sinus stuff right now, so I'm really hoping the baby doesn't catch it. Yay for antibodies in breast milk :) Today was a hard day because my head hurt so much and was all in a fog, so I was not a very attentive mommy... but there was one sweet, cherishable moment when I looked at JM and said, "Sorry I'm being a lame mommy today, sweetie." And she looked at me and gave a big smile :) I'm really glad that happened today in particular.

Grieving it took a long time. I joined the local ICAN chapter. I realized I'm not the only one who has had a disappointing birth experience. I wrote letters to some of the doctors and nurses who were there for my labor and delivery. I met many friends who were grieving their births, too. And when I talked with them, they understood: I needed permission to grieve.

"You should be happy! You have a healthy baby!" Many say.

I may have a healthy baby. But that does not mean I don't have a loss to grieve.

Birth is something inherently part of who a woman is. 

This is something I'm supposed to be able to do! 

This is something women just do.

Why can't I?

I fought bitterness, anger, and feelings of failure for a long time.

I still do, a little bit.

(In retrospect, I've come to realize that I also may have had postpartum depression. I know now that PPD is more common after c-sections and is more common than you might think).

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to be continued....  

(and don't worry; the story gets much happier from here — read Part 2 here)

Bible Verses for Labor & Delivery

Just wanted to post a list of verses to meditate on during labor & delivery. I gathered it from several other sources for my own labor & delivery. I hope it helps you!

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The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deut 33:27

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Prov 3:5

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. John 14:27

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lam 3:22-24

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”  … The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

"What Not To Say": On Infertility

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A friend of mine posted one thing each day last week that people simply should NOT say to those couples who are struggling with infertility. I asked her if I could post her thoughts because I thought it would be beneficial to share.

I'm so grateful that infertility is not something that my husband and I have had to experience. I couldn't even pretend to understand the pain that some couples face when they experience this struggle. But I do want to do what I can to support and encourage my friends as they walk their journeys, whether or not I have experienced them. And I want to remember, most of all, that my child is a sweet, sweet gift... a gift that is precious and not something to be taken for granted.

So, here we are:
National Infertility Awareness Week and "What Not to Say"

1. OUCH!: Why the rush? You're still so young.
   Age doesn't have anything to do with it. Every pregnancy announcement we hear, every baby we see, every expectant mother we sit next to while waiting to see the doctor about our latest test results is a reminder of all we don't have and can't be. Each time a sensitive, caring friend comes to tell you in the privacy of your own home ("before you find out anywhere else") that she is expecting, the only way you can survive it is by promising yourself that you'll be next. But when the next announcement ISN'T yours, it gets harder and harder to believe. I'm not trying to beat my biological clock. I'm trying to beat everyone else's! I'm trying to beat the pain. I'm trying to beat that next horrible blow. I'm trying to beat feeling that unbearable ache one - more - time.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: You will be such great parents!
   Thank you for believing in us! And thanks for the reminder that we will get there eventually. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. We may not get our child in the way we'd always imagined, but one way or another, we will be parents. (Hint: Be sure not to say this to someone who has chosen to remain childless and is healing from that.)
   
2. OUCH!: Have you considered fostering/domestic adoption/international adoption/IVF/embryo transfer/egg donor/surrogate/kidnapping/etc? [Not so much a painful question as just one where the answer seems obvious. Although some do ask this question in a pointed, almost condescending way, as though trying to imply that we're not doing what we should be. That DOES hurt.] 
   Yes. Just yes. Trust me, we've been up and down the list five million times. Anyone going through this is going to explore EVERY option! The truth is that none of these options are ideal. There are unbelievably long waits, deep pain, unknown and frightening risks, incredible expense, questionable ethics, birthparent relationships, and a multitude of other issues no matter which way you turn when you can't conceive naturally. Please trust that we've made the right decision for US.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: How did you arrive at the decision to pursue [insert chosen method of family-building]?
   I'm glad you asked! It wasn't an easy choice, I assure you. Thanks for being interested in our journey!
   
3. OUCH!: Are you really going to do that? Haven't you heard that [insert any manner of negative objection]?
   Yes. I assure you we've read all the reasons we should and shouldn't do everything. We've done our homework, but everywhere you look, you can always find an organization or blog or protestor that is more than happy to tell you why any given choice is wrong. Sometimes you have to look at your options and ask, "Which option gives me the peace in my soul to let me sleep at night?"
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: That must be a tough decision.
   Yes, it is. Thank you for recognizing that. I hope you never have to make it.
   
4. OUCH!: So which one of you has the problem?
   Seriously? If I wanted you to know that, I would've told you. If I'm the problem, I'm not sure I appreciate you being so curious about the failures of my baby-maker. If it's my spouse, I'm really not comfortable discussing his physical issues behind his back. There's no winner to this question. The point is not to blame one person. We are a couple striving for the same purpose and working through the same problem together.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: How is your husband handling all this?
   How kind of you to think of him! Infertility can cause serious stress in a marriage. We're working through it together, and he's been an amazing, supportive husband on those days when I'm a wreck!
   
5. OUCH!: All you need to do is ...
   Okay. I'm going to stop you right there. Because whatever comes out of your mouth next is going to either be incredibly awkward, uninformed, or obsolete, but most likely all three. It's amazing how many people who have never lived through this struggle are happy to advise me to take special vitamins, have my spine adjusted, add a "special ingredient" to my tea, monitor my body temperature, spin around three times chanting in German, or any other number of unhelpful rituals. Everyone and their great aunt has their own "fail-proof" cure. Infertility is a complex medical concern with many causes (many of which are unknown) and many levels of severity.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: I'll be praying for you.
   Sometimes, that's all we need to hear. And sometimes, it's our only hope. Thank you!
   
6. OUCH!: If you would just relax/adopt/stop trying, it'll happen.
   If I had a nickel for every time this was said to me, my costs would be covered. In a perfect world, we could all achieve what we want by closing our eyes, taking a deep breath, and wishing. The human anatomy is complicated. Infertility can be caused by chromosomal, hormonal, mechanical, genetic, disease-related, secondary, or even neural conditions, just to list a few of the physical gears that go into human fertility. But NOT failure to put one's feet up from time to time.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: I hope it happens for you very soon, even if it's in a way you don't expect!
   Thank you. We do too!
   
7. OUCH!: You want kids? You can take a couple off my hands. My kids will change your mind.
   This is probably the most hurtful thing that I ever hear. I know you mean it as a joke and that you're just trying to lighten the mood. I know you love your children. But you have no idea what a slap in the face it is. You have no idea that there's a deep part of me that wants to scream, "YES!" Everywhere you go, you can see parents who don't appreciate or take care of their children - people who just want to be parents when it's convenient. You just want to go tell them all what a blessing they are missing out on because they aren't cherishing their children.
   
   THE BETTER RESPONSE: Wow. Seeing what you're going through makes me appreciate my family more.
   This may sound insensitive to you, but it's the sweetest thing for me to hear. If my pain can do something so beautiful as to remind someone else of their blessings, then it *almost* makes it worth it. Every child should be treasured. Go home and hug your kids a little tighter tonight. Because you know you couldn't imagine a life without them.

The World Overcome

We are so frequently misguided about God's plans. Day by day we measure our progress toward anticipated goals; we judge God's faithfulness and our performance by the proximity of the desired accomplishment. Is everything progressing as it should? Am I getting through this rough patch? Are my kids achieving? Am I paying down my debt? Is my boss finally appreciating me? And then the kids fail (again!); foreclosure looms; we discover that the boss not only doesn't appreciate us, but he's actually considering demoting us. Hold on! we think. This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't right. I've followed God. Where is he now that I really need him? What happened to all the plans we made together?

We suffer because we mistakenly believe that God's goals and our goals are identical. Into this confusion and sorrow, your Savior, who isn't insensible to your pain, speaks. "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). We think, The fact that I'm going to have tribulation is quite obvious, thank you. And, its nice that you've overcome the world (whatever that means), but how does that help me right now?

The gospel dispels darkness and confusion. It tells me about him, about myself. It tells me that I am in him, and because that's my identity, I can have peace when peace is beyond comprehension. But my experience of peace in tribulation also grows more brightly as I remind myself of the things he taught (John 16:33). He taught these truths so that I might have peace; they shatter my misguided illusions: my selfish ambition, even for his kingdom, is not his goal. Washing feet is. I believe that a pleasant existence free from tribulation will bring me happiness. He teaches that fullness of joy is found in divesting myself of pride and idolatrous desire for pleasure, respect, and comfort.

I think that I am wise and know what's best. His plan confound the wisdom of the wisest man and flay him in the dust. I deceive myself into believing that I deserve better than this. He gently reminds me that I deserve an eternity of excruciating flame eating at my soul and separation from his Son.

Peace begins to fill my soul when I remember the truth of the gospel: I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe, more loved and welcomed than I ever dared hope. I deserve less than nothing but have been given everything.

Jesus Christ has overcome the world. Although it seemed (and still seems) like night would eclipse the light, as though the "ruler of this world" would forever reign, the glorious radiance of the Son is seen with eyes of faith. Peace can flood outsold because our trust isn't misplaced. He has already overcome the world, and it will not triumph over him, and so, by implication, it will not triumph over us either because we are in union with him.

He resisted the temptation to prove his rightful place as Lord of the universe. He perfectly fulfilled every command of the law. He willingly laid down his life in our place and permanently threw open the doors of heaven. He sent the Holy Spirit to comfort and teach us. We're not alone; we're not orphans; he hasn't deserted us. And he has overcome the world through his conquest of our final enemy, death. The resurrection speaks powerfully into our lives when it seems as though the light is about to be extinguished. But this world isn't all there is. What we're seeing right now isn't the end. The one who said, "I have overcome the world," walked through the travail of Gethsemane. He was nailed to a tree, suffered, bled, and died. But then he rose again, breaking the bands of death, and walked with his disciples again. He had overcome! And now he is ruling and overruling at the seat of power by his Father's right hand, there in the flesh like mine and yours. Does it feel like night? Be of good cheer; morning will dawn. He has overcome the world.

From Comforts from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

We had our 20-week ultrasound yesterday. What an experience! To see the little one that is growing inside my womb... there's nothing like it. Little hands with little fingers. A little brain with a little cerebellum and a little thalamus. A little belly with a tiny stomach and bladder inside. A tiny little beating heart—all 4 chambers fully developed, beating away at 140 beats per minute. Amazing. Breathtaking. 

I read in my daily pregnancy journal the following fact: "From Week 12 to Week 20, the placenta weighs as much as, if not more than, the baby, because it has to work hard to extract the nutrients from food and dispose of waste. The fetal organs are not sufficiently mature to process food."

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

These things got me thinking about what a wonderful creator God is! I mean, it's not like I'm really doing any of the "knitting"! I have the womb, sure, but this baby has just been hanging out in there for the past 20 weeks, growing away—developing organs and limbs, a heart and a brain. The placenta, as I read, has been taking care of sending my baby nutrients and disposing of waste. My body—and baby's body—are just doing all of these intricate, amazing, growing things... and I'm not doing much beyond eating a little more and watching it all happen before my eyes! Our Creator God is orchestrating all of the small details of the universe behind the scenes—and right before our eyes. And we silly humans sit around thinking we're all that and coming up with our silly theories.

As I consider these things, I find it just baffling

"...that people go to such elaborate lengths [such as the Big Bang theory] to avoid mentioning one vastly prior fundamental possibility that (surely?) stares them in the face: creation.

How much faith does it take to believe in God? Less, I venture to say—a great deal less—than to believe in the Unconscious generating the Conscious, Mindlessness creating Mind, Nothing giving birth to Something."

-Elisabeth Elliot

What a good, sovereign creator God we must have! This God who knows everything about us—including our sin—and yet died to rescue us because of His love.

Psalm 139:1-18:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you.

 "What we know of God we have seen in His Son. He in whom we are asked to trust is Love, creative Love; thinking of us, I suppose, before He thought of gravitational lenses; giving Himself in sacrificial love long before He gave us His own breath of life—for the Lamb was slain before the foundation of the world.

My Lord and my God. Forgive my faithlessness."

-Elisabeth Elliot 

A Recipe for Contentment

E.B. Pusey (1800-1882) wrote this "recipe" for contentment, and I read it on my lunch break today. I thought it was so helpful—and worth sharing!

1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.
2. Never picture thyself to thyself under any circumstances in which thou are not.
3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another.
4. Never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were, otherwise than it was, or it. God Almighty loves thee better and more wisely than thou doest thyself.
5. Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's not thine. The heaviest part of sorrow often is to look forward to it. "The Lord will provide."

From Elisabeth Elliot's book Secure in the Everlasting Arms

The Long Leisure of Eternity

I've been reading a great book of collected short reflections by Elisabeth Elliot. It's called Secure in the Everlasting Arms. I love it! Here's one of the chapters I read today. It helped me to realize a new thing—sometimes lying down is ok, and is God's timing! I'm so glad we can trust Him to carry out to completion the good work He began in us.

In Maud Monahan’s Life and Letters of Janet Erskine Stuart, she describes the long years of waiting on God, and how He took nine years, “with all the long leisure of Eternity,” to bring her to a Guide who would “lead her soul out into paths of confidence and joy.” 

That word helped me to see that some of what I would have called my own stalling and obtuseness may have been the Lord’s own timing. He makes us wait. He keeps us on purpose in the dark. He makes us walk where we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for He has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in. 

There have been times, on the other hand, when He wanted me to run but I only walked. Let us remember, however, that the Shepherd Himself sometimes makes us lie down. Some of the “delays” are His own choice for us, so we must not always chide ourselves when the pace is not what we thought it should be. We must learn to move according to the timetable of the Timeless One, and be at peace. 

“My times are in Thy hand” (Psalm 31:15 KJV). That is where I want them to be, Father. May I rest in the sure knowledge that my hours and days are safely kept. 

O LOVE BEYOND COMPARE, Thou art good when thou givest, when thou takest away, when the sun shines upon me, when night gathers over me. Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul; Thou dost love me still, in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust. Thy goodness has been with me another year, leading me through a twisting wilderness, in retreat helping me to advance, when beaten back making sure headway. Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead; I hoist sail and draw up anchor, With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past. I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead. If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation, thou wilt be with me in them; If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation, I shall not drown; If I am to die, I shall see thy face the sooner; If a painful end is to be my lot, grant me grace that my faith fail not; If I am to be cast aside from the service I love, I can make no stipulation; Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial, as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use. 

—From The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions, ed. Arthur Bennett 

What is Worship?

I came across this clarifying definition of worship in the book Grace for the Good Girl (which, yes, I still haven't finished 8 months later... and if I've learned anything from reading it, taking 8 months to read a book must be ok). I wanted to post it because I think it's so easy for us to forget this:

 ...Like the Virgin Mary, who chose to believe the angel and remain in that truth, worship flows naturally out.

Mary did not have to work hard to muster up an appropriate response to the gift she was given. She did not wring her hands with furrowed brow, wondering if she was doing enough to earn the right to be the mother of the Lord. She did not look over her shoulder to see what the neighbors would think of her. She did not fake happy and joy while trembling with fear on the inside.

Instead, Mary rose up and hurried to the hill country to visit her cousin Elizabeth. Action springs forth from the heart of a woman who has encountered God.

.....

We toss the word worship around in our churched-people groups, in hand-folding fellowship, in reference to the building where church happens. We have worship teams, worship songs, worship bands, and even special worship services.

It's kind of weird when you think about it. Maybe you stand side-by-side with closed-eyed strangers in too-high heels with hymnals or screens or drums. Perhaps you sing with a guitar in a house, sitting small and comfy on the very couch where you watched Survivor last Thursday. Either way, singing songs about sin and blood and Jesus and the cross is strange. If I try to see it all from the perspective of someone who doesn't believe in God, it gets me all messed up. Because it's weird is what it is.

We refer to church as a building, and we use worship as a noun: "Did you go to worship this morning?" Or, if we use it as a verb, we refer to the kind of worship that comes in the form of melodies and rhythms, with voices and strumming and notes. God never intended us to refer to church as a building. And he never intended worship to be reduced to a church service. His church is his people, and worship is what they do.

 When you're used to wearing a mask, you are comfortable with compartmentalizing life. Mask-wearing good girls put worship in a slivered-up pie chart, dividing our lives into segments of importance. We assign percentages for work, service, prayer, school, exercise, PTA, meal planning, bill paying, dog walking, toilet cleaning, church, and rest (if we're lucky). But the woman who has freely received the abundance of truth from Jesus abides in that truth as her very life. In other words, the lines of the pie chart disappear, and worship covers the full circle. Free women respond with worship in everything. It is a natural outpouring of thankfulness and awareness of love and grace and truth. It isn't mustered up; it flows out.

We breathe in air and breathe out worship. We receive love and extend worship. We embrace children, offering worship. We comfort, we laugh, we mourn, we dance, we read, we dream, we exist—all worship. We pay the bills, we run on the treadmill, we enjoy a good movie, we make dinner, we welcome friends with open arms—worship, all worship. We send money and offer prayer and sit with a lonely neighbor, in Jesus' name. We wait for love, we long for home, we pour out our hopes and fears and longing; we create with words and photos and colors and food, all beautiful acts of worship. 

But we don't call it that.

We call those things living. But when the Spirit of the living God lives inside of you, then your living is also your worship. What else would it be? 

Some Thoughts on Birth Control

So, I know that the topic of birth control, contraception, etc., can be kind of controversial. With much of it being a gray area (i.e. not specifically commanded one way or the other in Scripture), I believe we as believers have freedom here. But I think it is important to be thinking rightly about the subject. It was so helpful for me, in the months before my wedding, to have friends who were willing to talk about how to think rightly about contraception and trust God to be in ultimate control of our fertility & children.

As a very helpful Desiring God article states, "The Bible nowhere forbids birth control, either explicitly or implicitly, and we should not add universal rules that are not in Scripture (cf. Psalm 119:1, 9 on the sufficiency of Scripture). What is important is our attitude in using it." This is what I hope we keep in mind with all of our thinking and decisions about birth control.

As we were preparing for marriage, Eric and I read a book called Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception. While I did not agree with everything that was said in the book (and, actually, the authors don't anymore, either), it did help me to think differently about things I had not previously been thinking about thoroughly. It especially helped me to learn some things about one specific contraceptive option: birth control pills. And it helped me think more thoroughly about this question: Is the Pill a contraceptive, an abortifacient, or both?

Let's look more at this question. For me, as I was researching the topic, answering this question was the most helpful part in reaching a decision on our birth control options. The italicized parts of the rest of this post come from an article on the Mars Hill website.

The pill is a categorical term for more than forty types of oral contraceptives, which are also referred to as birth control pills and sometimes combination pills because they contain a mixture of estrogen and progestin. Today, 50 to 60 million women worldwide take the pill each day and it is the most widely prescribed drug in the world.

Now, I already know how my body does not do well with drugs. I tend to be of the viewpoint that, if there's not something wrong with my body, why take drugs to try to fix it? And, even when there is something wrong, sometime the side effects of drugs are worse for me than dealing with the initial problem. So I already lean toward not exactly wanting to mess with my hormones if I don't have to. But that's just my personal opinion on drugs in general. But back to the main issue at hand:

The debate over hormonal birth control, particularly birth control pills, is whether or not it results in the taking of a life by destroying a fertilized egg. 

There is not one but rather three purposes for birth control pills. First, the pill exists to inhibit ovulation, which is its primary means of birth control. Second, the pill thickens the cervical mucus with the effect that it becomes more difficult for sperm to travel to the egg. Third, the pill thins and shrivels the lining of the uterus so that it is unable or less able to facilitate the implantation of the newly fertilized egg.

The bottom line is this, the first two purposes for birth control pills are contraceptive in nature and therefore acceptable for use by a Christian couple. However, the third use of birth control pills is potentially abortive in that it seeks to disrupt the ongoing life of a fertilized egg. 

So, even though it's true that birth control pills' primary use is to prevent contraception in the first place... it is totally possible that there could be times when an egg is in fact fertilized but is destroyed because it is not allowed a healthy environment for implantation. And, when you compare the percentage of women who still ovulate while on birth control with the number of women who have successfully implanted pregnancies while on birth control, it seems that that very well can be the case. That potentiality is not something I'm comfortable with.

After all, even a very liberal pro-choice blog post that is making arguments for the use of birth control pills bases their calculations on the assumption that 100% of fertilized eggs released while on birth control will be rejected by the uterus. Even though eggs will seldom be released, and even more seldom become fertilized while on birth control, there is a potential for a fertilized egg to be rejected by the uterus due to the effects of birth control pills on the uterine lining.

So, what is the conclusion, then? Here I still agree with the Mars Hill article:

That potentiality is incredibly controversial. Whether or not a Christian couple should use birth control pills is a very complicated issue on which faithful pro-life Christians and doctors disagree. As a result, it seems legalistic and inappropriate to declare that use of the pill is sinful. Yet, at the same time it seems that Christian couples need to be informed of the potential abortive nature of birth control pills so that they can study the matter further and prayerfully come to an informed decision according to their own conscience and the leading of God the Holy Spirit.

Learning this was one of the most helpful parts of researching this matter as Eric and I were discussing family planning during our engagement. Neither of us felt comfortable with the abortive potential of birth control pills. And, even if that were not a factor, we still probably would not have chosen them due to the effect of drugs on my body and a desire to only take drugs when they are medically necessary (A sidenote: I realize that sometimes birth control pills are taken by women for other reasons besides primarily birth control, such as to regulate their cycle).

I just wanted to post about this because I found it so helpful to learn about it as we were making this decision. And I have a lot of friends who are engaged, and I want them to have the opportunity to learn more about this topic as well. If you want to read up more, the links I provided are much more well-written and in-depth than this post. I highly recommend them.

And, again, what's most important in family planning/birth control is our attitude in using it (or not using it). After all, it's possible not to use any form of birth control, and still not trust in God's provision, whether in conceiving earlier than we hope, later than we hope, or not at all. And it's also possible to choose contraception out of a desire to be good stewards and still have a trusting heart, knowing that God is ultimately in control and trusting Him to provide for whatever children he blesses us with.

Bottom line, let's prayerfully trust in God's sovereignty and provision and make the wisest decisions we can, holding all our plans with an open hand. 

Lessons on Marriage

What do the following items have in common?

• Cheese balls
• Mr. Lawyer-pants
• Mountain meadows
• Growing asparagus
• 9 minutes of prayer
• Gold butterfly necklaces
• Sweet Dorito vomit

They all help us grow to have a thriving marriage!

Intrigued? Read on....

We just got home from the 2013 CrossWay Marriage Retreat. It was filled with all kinds of good (figurative... and literal) food to chew on and digest. I encourage you to listen to the talks (which are available on CrossWay's website) if you were unable to attend. Here are some helpful things that I took away and hope to implement in my marriage.

First Session: Mike Bullmore - The Goodness of a Godward Marriage (click here to listen)

• "Who you love determines how you live."
• Cheese balls: Does my marriage tip toward a love of self or a love of God? Remember: In the absence of a biblical vision, we will default toward a self-focused marriage.
• God's purpose in marriage: relational joy, growth in holiness, fruitful service.
• Mr. Lawyer-pants: Be committed to preferring one another... that is, don't favor your own way of doing things. We all come in with expectations. Ask: "What is it like for my spouse right now?" And have humble compassion. Don't elevate your own way.
• Revel in forgiveness—remember that it is a privilege to extend the grace and forgiveness you've been given.
• A Godward marriage depends on a continual orientation toward God and away from self. This re-orientation needs to happen pretty much daily.
• Mountain meadows: When you look ahead, this does not have to be an insurmountable cliff to climb, but a very walkable uphill path to a beautiful, lush place.

Breakout Session 1: Mark Rogers - Growing Through Conflict and Disagreement (click here to listen)

We didn't go to this one... because we never experience conflict. Haha. Just kidding. I'm excited to download it, listen to it, and talk about it with Eric.

Breakout Session 2: Dan Allen - Tending Your Spiritual Garden Together (click here to listen)

• Remember, if you want to reap a harvest, it will take labor and sweat.
• I am the primary human agent God is using to pour out grace on my spouse. And my spouse is the primary human agent God is using to pour out His grace on me. Remember this as you interact with one another—you are brother and sister in Christ. And remember God is working in you both.
• Growing asparagus: It can take a long time. And you may not see fruit right away. Be confident that growth is happening under the soil even if you can't see it, and keep watering.
• (A point my wise husband made) Sometimes we might plant and water, expecting a certain result. Let's not be discouraged if God brings about a different result. We may look at the asparagus patch we keep trying to grow... let's not miss the pumpkins growing over there.
• My spouse can not be God to me. Don't expect my spouse to fulfill/satisfy what only God can. That will frustrate me and put pressure on my spouse.
• No part of our lives is neutral—we're either fostering or hindering spiritual intimacy with our spouses in all we do.
• 9 minutes of prayer: God will use all of our efforts. Just because we fall short doesn't mean we'll come up empty. Example: If you're not praying at all, set a realistic goal to pray together for three minutes, 3 times a week (rather than, say, 3 hours every day). It may not be much to start... but 9 minutes is better than no minutes. 

Ending Session: Jason Dahlman - One Flesh Serving Together (click here to listen)

• Gold butterfly necklace: This is a gift God has given to you so that you can bless others, glorify Him, and experience the sweetness yourself.
• Don't wait to serve until your marriage is more mature/stable. Serving is something that will make your marriage more mature and stable.
• If your serving feels like it's dividing you, you're doing it wrong. Don't stop serving. Serve differently.
• Serving others = loving our neighbors as ourselves (Luke 10:25-28). Remember: you do this together when you are married, because the two have become one flesh, all of the Scriptural commands are not just "me" and "I", but "we" and "us."
• Sweet Dorito vomit: Even the un-fun things can be sweet when you are serving in unity.
• Your marriage and serving your church are not to be in competition with each other. If you can't actually serve together, be involved in what the other is doing. 
• Extend hospitality. Love your church and your community. And not just the people who are like you.
• Pray together about whether god is calling you to go and serve on the mission field together. Not all believers are called to go, but all are called to be willing to go. If you're not willing, ask God to make you willing.
• Let God's mission for His glory to be made known in the earth give you perspective... that little thing that bugged you today about your spouse may not be such a big deal in light of the eternally significant things happening around you.

What stands out to you from these talks? What do you take away from them?

The Servants of the Secret Fire

I love Christmas music.

I also love going back to my regular favorites after a month-and-a-half of "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."

It's Christmas all over again. 

A rediscovered treasury of sweet lyrics and sounds that had been hibernating in my iPod.

Oh yes! I remember now! I do love this song!

So, of course, I've been listening a lot to Light for the Lost Boy, Andrew Peterson's newest album. (By the way, AP is coming to Chicago on March 15 and I'm super-excited about it.)

I love the picture that he paints in these songs (Shine Your Light on Me and Carry the Fire). What a beautiful picture: the Body of Christ. 

Serving one another in love.

Carrying one another's burdens.

Doing life with each other.

Encouraging each other.

Just being there.

Celebrating God's goodness—together.

What a good gift God has given us in one another. What a good thing He's done—giving us one another to point each other to the One who created all this goodness. 

What a joy. And an ache for That Day. 

A beautiful, achy joy.

It makes me think of those many times God has blessed me with brothers and sisters to carry the fire for me. The times I've ben surrounded by the Servants of the Secret Fire—and I've felt God's sustaining power through His people...

I was young and didn't know what I needed—aimless. And they were faithful to lead. And provide. And point me to the One I need more than them.

A new place—unknown. New people. But, oh, the power of the Church united. And so I found... that I was still at home.

My heart broke—misled. And my dear friend listened. And held. And listened some more.

I wandered there—looking. Making new friends... not knowing how much I needed to remember the Truth. And they surrounded me. Hundreds. Worshipping the risen Christ.

I felt the pain of a loss—severed. And I called up the tired new mom. And she reminded me who I am.

I saw the raw pain of sin—aching. And then Easter. Celebrating Jesus come to life with the Bride.

On the other side of the world—unfamiliar. And there my sister was, trusting with simple faith in the same God I love.

I walked down that aisle—diving. There he was, with love in his eyes. And there they were. Supporting us as we said "till death do us part" to loving like He loves.

Reading those pages about my brave warrior sister—reminded. We must love. And we must tell them. Because they need Him.

I walked through the door—weary. To chores done. And he patiently held tightly.

I knew the Servants of the Secret Fire

Were gathered there

The embers of the ages

Like a living prayer

~

Shine Your light on me

Be a light unto my path

And a lamp unto my feet

~

And we dream in the night

Of a feast and a wedding

And the Groom in his glory

When the Bride is made ready